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You might just regret it...

I should be sleeping, I know, but I think it'd be impossible to without getting some of this shit spinning through my head out. The other day I had decided to finally end my torment and say goodbye to Amy. So, in some twisted ritualistic fashion, I packed up all the gifts she had given me over the years and hid them away in the corner of my room. Each item I shoved in the box represented a piece of herself she couldn't give me, and it felt good to get them out of sight.

Of course, it's impossible to get that girl entirely out of your life, she has a handful of screen names that she uses to bug me on AIM even after I've blocked her. She calls my house constantly, ringing the phone over and over until she finally gives up hours later. It drives me crazy... Crazy that she'd care so much. I suppose that's why I get a thrill out of mentally torturing her this way.

I actually saved the AIM transcripts, seeing as how this is probably the single shred of incriminating evidence that she has a soul (it's a joke! Haha). But really, I'm not sure what to make of it all. She goes on about when she was a baby and how she lost her self-confidence. Honestly, that's not exactly a turn-on. Most would agree that low self-esteem isn't very attractive. Sure, I think poorly of myself half the time too, but therein lies the problem. We've got two people who're afraid to make the first move, two similar magnets, now what happens when you try to put them together? Well, any second grader should know, the magnets repel.

I'm always getting chewed out for "hiding", ignoring IMs and dodging calls, but hiding has been one of the only ways I've ever known to handle things. How do you think I got to be the girl in the corner at school? It's because I learned to camouflage myself within the crowd. I was actually grateful for it, being the "freak" who had no friends and was vulnerable from all angles.

A part of that message sort of scared me, I must admit. "You'd be throwing
away a future with someone." I've always though of myself as a rational girl (well, some times) who doesn't have her head in her ass and dreams of pink unicorns and rainbow daisies swirling about her thoughts, so to speak. Take my cousin, Jessie, for example. She was giggling and chattering like a schoolgirl the moment she announced to everyone that she and her boyfriend were moving in together. However, I knew this was a bad idea from the start. Moving in with a love means that you're around them more often than usual, and since you're both living under the same roof, it means there's no escape if something happens.

But now, I find myself going against my own philosophy, and dreaming of the exact thing I once turned my nose up to. It makes me feel like one of those silly bitches in romance movies.

On the lighter side, I received my GED admission ticket in the mail today, a sign that my application was filled out correctly and I can stop worrying (thanks to that dumb teacher who lied to us). The test is split into two days: May ninth and tenth. Thanks to my wonderful luck, math is the first subject on the list, plus I have to wake up at seven (possibly earlier) on the second day to make it to the college on time. What I've always wanted, an early morning on a Saturday. Yippie...

3:15 am - April 27th, 2008

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