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State of mind

Stressed out as hell right now. I hate it when I get like this. It's the littlest things that seem to just set me off and I go into this stage that starts off as anger then depression. It feels like everything that could go wrong with me, is wrong with me. Metal illness is no stranger to my family, so I wouldn't be surprised. Mom has anger issues, Dan's partially retarded and what the hell am I? I'm not quite sure, but I was diagnosed with severe depression.

From that point on it seems like my life has done a spiraling nosedive downward. It's so bad that I was pulled out of school, I don't like doing the things i used to anymore, barely have enough energy to get out of bed and go anywhere. Whenever I try to get up in the morning I think "why bother?" Then go back to sleep. I have no motivation, no reason to wake. Yet the odd thing is, sometimes I feel almost afraid to go to sleep at night for the fear of not waking up.

Is that bad? I think so. But I refuse to take some pill with scientifically generated hormones to "fix" my brain. Everyone needs a pill to be happy now. Whether you can't sleep, you can't get an erection, you need some length, bigger boobs, lose some weight, etc. I don't like what false hormones do to me. They make me a person I don't recognize, someone who's emotions are locked away in a little box that even I can't open. They may be a bit out of control at the moment, but that's better than locking them away.

I've been jealous of others lately, I guess. It depresses me to see others who have a big family. Dad was adopted, so that omits his side, and everyone on my mom's side is poor and everyone just kinda fends for themselves. That's why it was so unnerving to sit through Karen's graduation ceremony and grad party. Seeing everyone in the family smiling and praising the girl, showering her in gifts. I secretly wish that was me. I've never really felt special in my life. I'm pretty much just the plain boring girl who sits in the corner with her head down.

11:39 pm - November 19th, 2007

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