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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Overthinker I've considered seriously naming this child Eris (if it's a girl), after the Greek goddess of chaos. It seems sort of fitting, by how chaotic life is going to get upon the arrival of this third child. But, I've decided on Lila instead, short for Lilac, my favorite type of flower. Karl suggested just using the name Lilac, but it's that "ack" sound at the end that really prevents me from believing it to be a suitable name. I'm probably just overthinking it though. That tends to happen often- I overthink a lot of things. I guess it's easy when you spend most of your time curled up in the corner of your own mind. It's been that way all my life and I honestly hate myself for it. Always an introvert, living most of my day to day life inside of my head rather than experiencing life. Growing up, I never knew how to talk to people, I was afraid of what they'd think of me or what to talk about, so I drew friends instead. Not friends for me, but friends in general, I guess. Groups of girls going to the mall, smiling and holding shopping bags, girls roller skating over hills in the park, even the bitchy girls, plotting to make life miserable for their seemingly happier counterparts. I gave them lives, school to attend, jobs, hobbies, friends, names and personalities, sometimes based off of people I knew in real life. I spent a lot of time at my desk scribbling scenes and thinking up conversations to go with them. All my friends are long gone since, but I still can't get out of my own head and overthink and overworry worse now as an adult. There are those who don't think, they just do, and that's not very smart. Then there are those who just think and never do, and that's not smart either. The difference between these two types of people being that one is probably happier than the other. This is the bane of being the overthinker. There are a million little thought processes going through your brain, shooting back and forth like a game of Pong. Though your body is there, your mind is absent, having been absorbed, if not drowned in its own conscience. Impulse is secondary, simple decisions require an extensive thought processes and in the end, it leaves one feeling engulfed, lonely and disassociated from the real world. I feel like I'm holding my own self hostage. I don't want to live my life this way, but it's not just something you can shake off. Sometimes I wonder if there will be a point when I just won't be able to contain them anymore... 4:15 am - October 5th, 2013 |
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