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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Heather. I stayed up with Heather until five in the morning the other day. I know I probably shouldn't have, I should've just put her butt in the crib and let her cry it out like he wanted me to. Originally, I had placed her in her playpen in the living room to watch Gabba until she fell asleep as I went to bed with Karl, but I woke up after only two hours to the sound of her crying. Exasperated, I went to her side and had every intention of placing her back in her bed, but the look in her baby blue eyes struck me. Not in that "awww, she's so cute" type of motherly way, but I saw a reflection of myself past her physical resemblance. It was a look of desperation and loneliness. Perhaps it was just my tired mind playing tricks on me, but I swear I saw it there. So back up into mommy's arms she went and quickly quieted down as I held her. When we got in bed after putting her into the playpen, I curled up under the quilt into a ball and cried. I shrugged off any questions from Karl as "it's just pregnancy hormones", but I actually didn't want to tell him why I was really crying because I think it sounds stupid to somebody else. I just felt guilty leaving her alone in the dark because I know that feeling. I used to have trouble sleeping and would be the only one awake in a house full of people- it feels like you're completely alone, like the last person on Earth. Often, I would stay up all night until I heard my dad's footsteps thumping through the hall and smell the coffee brewing as he got ready for work, just to be sure. So, although I had only two hours of sleep, I felt awake and held her on the couch and we cuddled as we watched Gabba together and when she grew bored of that, I popped her in the stroller and we went out for a walk at three in the morning. I don't drive, otherwise I may have taken her out for a ride, but our neighborhood is quiet and hidden away, it's safe to go out so late (early?) without the worry of being mugged or dragged into a dark corner. I've only ever gone for a walk this time of night once, by myself and I was happy that I didn't have to go alone this time. Dressed in her fuzzy footies, Heather stayed quiet as we passed by house after house lining the dark road. I always thought it was interesting to see everyone's houses in this state- some with a light in one of the windows, another flashing from a TV left on, most just pitch black as the residents inside slept. It was just quiet with a pleasant chill in the air. So we returned back to our home and I returned Heather to her room where I gently rocked her to sleep and held her once again, an extra hour, just so I didn't feel lonely. Back into her crib she went and back to bed for me, next to a snoring husband where I began to tear up again as I watched her on the monitor. 5:11 pm - October 11th, 2013 |
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