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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Take the candy I've been waiting to get on the actual computer for a while now. My phone has been held hostage by either my kids during the mornings or husband at night for it's internet tethering abilities. I'm so sick of only watching The Wire for the past two nights and I've been on edge from my lack of private internet usage. This is my only real outlet for venting my daily frustrations, the only place I can really let loose without pissing someone off and causing an argument. Yes, not all of my thoughts are happy, I'm a human being with a range of emotions and thought processes. I don't always feel the need to explain every single thought that runs though my head or why and I can't always explain them aloud anyway because then they come out all wrong. Sitting and typing is better than sitting and thinking about what I want to say before I say it. Trying to piece my words together in a manner that seems less idiotic or offensive is like trying to solve a Rubik's Cube in five seconds. I found out about a month ago that I'm pregnant with our third child. This little surprise came out of fuck knows where. We've been careful for the longest time- using condoms every time, then I skip my period for a few months and finally decide to take a pregnancy test after I couldn't keep myself under the delusion that there just had to be something wrong with my body, it had to be anything but pregnancy. I've tried to see the good side in this, but it's hard to see it... I told myself "two is enough. Two is the perfect number- one for each hand. I don't want anymore children." I never really wanted or planned for children in my future to begin with, but with the first pregnancy, I eventually warmed up. The second, I already decided that I wanted a sibling for the first to grow up with anyway. The third..? I don't really even know how to feel about it. I'm already getting overwhelmed by the ones growing older, struggling between being a mother, wife, a deteriorating mental state and crumbling marriage. I haven't told many people, especially not my parents, because I don't want anyone to tell me "congratulations!" I never wanted kids originally because I knew I'd make a shitty mother and I was right. I've only managed to breed my mental illness into more people and now I find myself between the fears of dealing with their shit when they grow into their teens and them dealing with my shit well throughout their lives. I've already made the decision to get myself on some medication after this pregnancy. I know my husband's stance on pharmaceutical drugs and I used to feel the same, but I don't think I can do this for 20+ years. It pissess me off that weed is illegal and medical marijuana is only prescribed to those in physical pain in my state (even with a card, you can still be fined up to $100 possession, WTF?). I'm just hoping I can hide them. Nobody else needs to know, nor do I want them to know. I've been running and fucking everything up. Maybe it'll just be better this way. Maybe I can just stop being angry and spiteful and depressed and regretful all the time and try enjoying life for once. 12:34 am - September 19th, 2013 |
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