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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Everything's not okay I was pretty much forced to reschedule my appointment, though this time I was sure to schedule it weeks ahead of time, not days. I'm suppose to go to the thrift store to pick out an outfit with mom and her friend tomorrow, but I have mixed feelings about going with those two. I really like shopping for clothes at the thrift store- it's the cheapest place to find decent stuff and I love going there...but it bugs the hell out of me that mom is trying to convince me to be all buddy-buddy with the woman she cheated on dad with. To be honest, it's so frustrating to watch this situation unfold in front of me, but I can't do a damn thing about it. She came home plastered the other day, demanded a divorce when my dad got home and went for the knives when he refused once again. This is the second time I've had to call the police on my own mom and I actually have their number written down now just in case. I always try to act like I don't give a damn or brush it off, but after re-living that type of situation again, I realized that it really scares the piss out of me. I feel like I really want to leave and go back to school, but if I do- what if she snaps again? What if she tries to hurt my dad or herself? What about my pets? She likes to brag about how she got mad and killed a kitten when she was younger, so there's always the possibility she could hurt one of my cats. But I can't continue to live in a place that makes me feel hopeless, like I want to die sometimes just to escape all the yelling and drama. It makes me fucking angry when I look at my dad's face. You can tell he's so worn down by all of it, but he only puts up with it because she's got a mental disorder. Sometimes I wish the two of them would just get divorced. What's the use of being with someone who says to your face that they don't even love you, or who talks about how great their mistress is right in front of you? That's why it really agitate's me when he brings her flowers or Valentine's gifts. I wanted to pop the balloon that read "I love you." After all, didn't she say it herself? "There's no such thing as love"? The relasionship between my parents is a complete lie. I'm so damn scared that I'm going to turn out like her. That's probably why despite the fact we've been together for four years, Amy still hasn't seen the real me. I don't want to make her or anyone miserable, so I've been playing the role of sweet little girlfriend all this time. Truth is- I've got a little bit of a temper too. 1:29 am - October 08th, 2009 |
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