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Don't wanna be a failure

I've been depressed lately. Reality is starting to seep into my head once again and it's actually a bit scary. Perhaps I'm just being paranoid. Came home from class monday silently crying in the car because I'm starting to doubt myself again. I watched my dad struggle to keep Dan in line and my mom sit at home bitching. I can't help but wonder if maybe everything I'm doing now is for nothing. What if I fail the GED and never get into college? What if I do pass, but we can't afford college at all? Will I be doomed to live the same lives as my parents, struggling with money and a job or sitting on my ass at home for the rest of my life?

It's a scary thought. For the first ten years of my life I never realized something like that was possible, everything seemed fine and everyone happy. My grandparents were the ones supplying money to buy me things I wanted. Clothes, a computer and lots of presents on Christmas. I never realized that my dad was dependent on the cashflow of his parents, not until they died, that is.

Now we're trapped in a house that's falling apart around us and we can't afford to move and nobody in their right mind would buy such a worthless house. There's less than 1k in the bank and the money we spend on groceries is limited. I can't help but see myself living like this five years from now, struggling to keep myself fed or my bills paid or even mooching off another person. That's probably one of my biggest fears, to fail at my own life. Honestly, it gets to me so much sometimes I think about dying.

I don't know what's beyond college, but at this point I don't care. All I know is I want to get there first.

6:49 pm - October 25th, 2007

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