-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The identity rant

October already. It's so hard to convince myself that so much time has passed already. Everything around me is changing and here I am, still sitting on my ass, not doing a damn thing to move forward. I cannot stand doing this to myself. I know that I need a job and a car and a diploma, but I guess there's been something keeping me from getting all that. It's that little annoying voice inside me that keeps reminding me of my situation. I'm afraid that before I have time to grasp my youthful years, it'll be to late and I'll be shoved into the real world. I don't want to go through life like this. Being dragged along where ever the string in my palm takes me. But, it seems as though that's how I feel.

I'm childish and can't make my own decisions, I'm a mindless, clueless doll only good for doing what others tell me to do. I didn't use to feel this way, but now I do. My self-esteem has gone way down since last year, when I had everything I could want at the moment. And just as quickly as I had those things, they've gone away. There are things I regret doing, and things I regret not doing. These things can't be taken back, and I know it's useless to hold onto the past, but it's hard to forget when they've been branded into you.

I don't express emotion well, I'm not good at making friends and often feel left out in big groups, so I create conversations in my head that never even happened. I could sit here and pick out every single flaw about myself for hours, because I honestly have no real clue what it is that makes me so appealing to others. It seems as though I'm going through an identity crisis.

Another thing, I'm so sick that the first word people think of when they need to descibe me is "nice." I'm sick of nice. Can't they be more original? "Extroidinare! Admirable! Amazing! Imaginative! Bold! Spunky! Reliable! Veracious! Boisterous! Deviating! Exuberant!" All of which are better ways to describe someone than "nice, funny, creative, or pretty."

Now that I'm finished ranting, I'd better go to bed. I've got someone over and they sure as hell aren't going to let me sleep in.

3:13 am - October 08th, 2006

previous - next