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Sigh...
So, here I am, looking up pictures of butch women on flickr when I should be doing my homework for math tomorrow. I just realized that I need to plant a tree and grow a life (okay, that was lame). I've been kinda depressed this last week. I don't know if it's my screwy PMS hormones or what, but those thoughts have been swishing around in my head again, the ones I thought were gone. Perhaps it's the work of this damned picture Amy made for me. I tore each one of her drawings off the walls and hid them in my dresser last time these thoughts occurred, these depressing, doubtful thoughts.
I recently hung one of them up again, a cartoony sketch of her and I. I dunno, maybe it's cursed. I know that probably sounds crazy, but I feel as if I've somehow tainted it. Oh, and then there are those thoughts as well. You know, those "I want you to screw my brains out and leave me for dead" thoughts. The past two weeks or so, I've been having dreams like that, which explains the sudden cravings. I'm not the school whore or some kind of nympho (however you spell it), but occasionally, yeah, I do get like a bitch in heat (only the best of us, eh?).
I tried once to explain to her how I felt, but it only ended in me feeling embarrassed and slightly ashamed. Amy isn't the type to openly talk about things like sex because it's "awkward." You wanna know what's awkward? Having your first sex toy bought for you by your best friend. Yeah.
Uh...I think I really do need that toy. To think, this is the one I want:
Sometimes I seriously think I'd be better off just finding someone else. Someone who'll actually kiss me and hold my hand would be nice.
10:32 pm - April 07th, 2008