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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The L-word I feel baked. Sun baked. Spent most of my day outside just lounging around doing sudoku, riding my bike and hitting a tennis ball over the roof of the house. I like this warm sun-fried feeling during summer after you've been outside for a while playing and then hop into the shower and let the cool water run over your skin. That's probably the one thing I look forward to most during summer. Classes start the 12th, three days from now. Goodie... Plus, I might be going to the DMV to take my learners permit test. Karen says it's all common sense on that one, just the major "real" license test you gotta watch out for. Dad went on this whole speech about how it's hard and you gotta study for it before you take the test and how he "doesn't wanna waste his money." My parent's have such confidence in their child, don't they? Once, my dad told me that when I moved out, my cat had to stay there because I'd probably let her starve. But that's another story. Besides, I'm not much of a "study" person...I'm more of a "jump right in headfirst let's get this over with" person. I didn't study for my government final and I passed that (barely), so I guess not all my luck is bad... More preaching from mom. As if I need to hear anything from someone who is anything but the perfect role model. Damn I just hate it when she tries to act all superior in knowledge, like she was the perfect teen. If anything, she's the anti-role model, the one I look at and think I really hope I don't grow up like that. Honestly, I hope I don't grow up to be like either of my parents. She likes to bring Amy up in conversation and see how I react just so she can say "You're not really like that..." By 'like that' she of course means, gay. I think she's afraid to say it. "My daughter's a big lesbian who's in love with a man-woman." The L-word. I have to admit, it is rather intimidating even for me. That's why I use the word gay more often. I'm not sure why, but I suppose it has to do with all the times I've seen guys type "OMG! Lesbians! they r liek so fucking hot!!!!1!" I REFUSE to be grouped in with some skanky lesbo whores that you see on the Internet and in porn because in real life it's nothing like that. I stand by the L-word as a noble term to be respected, not demoralized by some cheap thrill.
In my mom's terms a "normal" teen is someone who goes partying, gets hopped up on coke or whatever and then has sex with some guy. That probably sums up most of my high school, but there is the small population of teenagers who are actually smart. I don't need to have sex with Amy to prove that I love her, though I have secretly thought about it more than once (haha I have a lot of free time!). But whenever I do think about it, it's not just mindless sex or fooling around. I don't think of it as fucking. It's more ritualistic than that, more of a statement of passion for that one person, the ultimate gift you can give is your body. Amy once told me that she was nervous, I'm not sure if she was referring to that conversation I brought up about it or the overall touching issue, but to be honest, I'm nervous too. I get that way whenever I talk serious to her, it just makes my head spin and I lose my track of thought. That's why I tend to write what I'm thinking down as a reference later. I don't know why I let my previous "boyfriend" do the things he did. I guess it just made me feel special to have someone and be recognized throughout the school, although it was a negative recognition (more toward him, not me). Though I did let him talk me into doing such things, I was NEVER going to sleep with him. The point of this two paragraph rambling was I believe that you don't have to sleep or fool around with someone of the same sex to determine if you're gay or not. It's not a choice, not something influenced on your upbringing and not a result of genes. It's just another one of life's mysterious ways. I hate it when science tries to explain everything. Can't we just have a bit of magic to believe in? Is it so childish to want to believe in such things? 9:26 pm - September 09th, 2007 |
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